Just Me

Goodbye

2007-06-18T22:10:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I've been bad. I havnt written in here in forever, but thats because I'm in the middle of building a new blog. It's going to be a closed blog, so if you would like access to my blog please email me at: duckie23foxy@hotmail.com and I will be allowing only very very very few to view it. Please dont take it personally if I dont allow you to view my blog, my intentions is to keep a blog, and to only allow people to view it that I dont know personally. Thank you all for reading over the past year!

Duckie

Not much new

2007-05-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

So how was everyones Mothers Day? Both of mine (yes BOTH) went Fantastic! On Saturday my love, my brother and I went to see my mom for the day. We started out with my mom taking us to a potential wedding spot that I found on the net. I got her to scout it out earlier, and she claims that it's "perfect". So we headed out there, it's only about a 10 minute drive from her house, which is nice. It's also nestled beautifully in the rolling hills. The venue is an outdoor location, it has a man-made lake/pond, and an old grainery set up like a little cottage on the edge of the pond. There is a bridge, archways, open areas, paths, everything you could want for an outdoor wedding. It's certainly an amazing place, and we saw it with brown grass and bare trees everywhere!

After looking there we headed to moms hotel so she could show us the Executive Suite! It was beyond amazing! I didnt know such a room could exsist in such a small city! The whole suite was bigger than my apartment (and I have a decent sized apartment!). It had an entry, kitchen, dining room, 2 bathrooms, bedroom(with a king sized four-poster bed!), nook, livingroom, and a jacuzzi tub in the livingroom! It was to DIE for! Then she showed us some smaller suites, but equally amazing as possibilites for guests, and for us to stay in the night before the wedding. (At the Ceremony site, it's a b&b, so we would stay there after with their honeymoon package). Then we headed across the parking lot to another hotel to check out the banquet rooms.

After that we headed out for our mother's day lunch which was...okay. Actually the food was amazing until I found a fly sweetly nestled between my hunk of onion and peas. mmm mmm! Afterwards we pretty much just hung out for the day, went shopping etc.

Now, for Sunday we went to go see my loves mom with my brother again in tow. It's always alot of fun staying there, and this day was no exception. The weather was beautiful so we all stayed outside for a good portion of the day. The guys (his dad, brother, him and my brother) all played on their quads and then pulled out a 22, and pellet guns to shoot targets in the yard. I would like to now take this time to announce that I Duckie was the best shot out of them all! Yup, bunch of boys beaten over and over by a girl. heh heh.

The rest of the day after that we did alot of lounging, watching TV, and enjoying the sun and good company. We ended the day with an A m a z i n g meal. I love going out to their house, it's always fun.

After all of that, one of my good friends took a flight out here to see her mom and I get to see her (twice! mwah ha!). Last night we pulled a good portion of an all nighter because she had to take the plane at 6am. It was awesome to hang out with a girl. haha.

Well thats all I've got for now, I'm afraid I'm going to just keep rambling on and on.. till next time! :)

Gittin' the ball rolling

2007-05-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

Well the ball has slowly started rolling with Wedding Planning. I mean S L O W L Y. But thats okay, we dont even have a date yet. It's hard to start anything without a date. Fourtunately we may have already found a wedding site(outdoors!), banquet room, and hotel rooms for our guests, and all at hopefully a decent price. My mom works at a 5-star hotel chain, and she can get us a great deal on the suites, as well as the banquet rooms in another hotel across the parking lot. Now.. having that said, we still have more locations to look at over the summer. It also looks like the late-summer-to-fall date we where hoping for might not happen because of a family reunion on my dads side in BC. I have an inkling that most of the family would only be able to make it to one event and not the other. ahh.. cest la vie.

We also have had a look at some bakeries around the city, and let me tell you, they are all GORGEOUS wedding cakes! I dont know how I'll ever decide on one! Even IGA makes wedding cakes! Who woulda thought?!

Over the next month or so, we have alot of work to do..
-Engagement Photos
-Official Engagement Announcement
-Set a date & back-up dates
-Set a budget
-Set up a rough guest list
-find a ceremony "officiant"
-select ceremony & reception spots
-find tent rentals etc
-find wedding gown etc
-bridesmaids gowns etc
-find a caterer
-find a baker
-book a photographer
-book a DJ
-start looking at invitations

--hah! I didnt think that most of this would have to be done until a few months before, but apparently this is aaalll "supposed" to be done one year prior. Yeah right. I'm also supposed to have an "engagement party" yeah right! I didnt even know such a thing existed.

-------------------

Motherhood

2007-04-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been very confused about motherhood. I told my love that I wasnt sure that I wanted to have children because of all the pain we would inflict on them. We talked alot about the subject of children and we both realized one thing. We both thought that we where raised absolutely perfectly until we hit about 16 or 17. Thats when we realized that maybe things could have been done differently. Not necessarily better, just different.

I told him that up until then, I honestly thought that once you became an adult you didnt have friends. Except for maybe a few distant ones, if you even called them friends. My parents never had friends over, or even called anyone. If they did it was an emergency of some sort. I also thought that it was normal for mothers to be stressed or sad all the time. I thought that just came with the job of being a working mother. Whenever I came home and my mom was upset about something, I thought that I would turn out like that one day. I didnt realize there were happy mothers, I figured it was a TV myth. I also thought that it was abnormal for a family, to live close to relatives. My whole family lives in different parts of three provinces. I thought you moved away, and stayed distant. That was apart of growing up. Now I know better.

It's very painful to have the light shed on such things. You realize how different your childhood would have been if only you would have known it didnt have to be like that. Its like when a young child first realizes that people actually hurt each other, and that it's a dog eat dog world out there. They look pained and confused. Thats how I feel somedays about motherhood. Fortunately now that I know that its not all true, I can make the best choices.

It's funny but, I still am surprised by how different mothers can be. For instance, last year my love and I where visiting his parents. Before we left his parents said that they where sorry for something that happened years and years ago, and his mom looked teary-eyed. This totally floored me, I was raised with what the parents say - goes! I hardly ever got appologies from my parents, especially such heartfelt ones. Now I'm not saying my parents where mean horrible people, it was more like my parents would feel embarassed to say it.

Just this past Easter weekend my dads girlfriend was over making us Easter supper. When I came into the house the music was turned on upstairs, and it was LOUD. It was the weirdest thing. I was actually confused for a minute. You see, we always had loud music going on in the house, we are a very music oriented family (and theres two boys!). But it was always on in the basement, so it was muffled upstairs. But no.. it was playing upstairs. In the kitchen I also heard loud singing. Female singing. Here she was, in my moms kitchen, prancing around making pumpkin pie and singing to loud music. This threw me for a wild loop. I wanted to cry at this fresh realization. I was always sad that my mom always complained about the music being too loud, especially when it's so soulful to me. Now I realized that it didnt have to be that way. I didnt have to be like that.

Now it also hurt me that she was doing that in my moms kitchen. It felt scandalous. It was something I would do after school before mom came home from work, something sacred. I would turn up the music and enjoy it before she came home, when it was promptly turned off so she could have a nap because she was stressed. The music made her mood worse. Now dads girlfriend felt like a mom-replacement, and it was totally different.

Well at least I know that no matter how many times and how frequently Im shocked by motherhood, that I can still be me, and be a good mother. Heres to mothers!
Ps: No..im not preggo!!!! It's just something you think about when you're engaged!! :)

A good song! :)

2007-04-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

I found this song the other day and I LOVE IT!! You all must must must get it!

Here are the Lyrics:

Big & Rich - Lost in this moment

see your momma, and the candles and tears and roses
I see your daddy walk his daughter down the isle
Now my knees start to tremble as I tell the preacher
Don’t she look beautiful tonight
All the wonderful words in my head I’ve been thinking
You know I want to say ‘em all just right
I lift your vale, and angels start singing
Such a heavenly sign, yeah

Chorus
Lost in this moment with you
I am completely consumed
My feelings so absolute, there’s no doubt
Sealing our love with a kiss
Waitin’ my whole life for this
Watching all my dreams come true
Lost in this moment with you

I smell the jasmine floating in the air like a love song
Watch my words draw sweet tears from your eyes
Bow our heads while the preacher talks to Jesus
Please bless this brand new life

Chorus
Lost in this moment with you
I am completely consumed
My feelings so absolute, there’s no doubt
Sealing our love with a kiss
Waitin’ my whole life for this
Watching all my dreams come true
Lost in this moment with you, yeah

Chorus
Lost in this moment with you
I am completely consumed
My feelings so absolute, there’s no doubt
Sealing our love with a kiss
Waitin’ my whole life for this
Watching all my dreams come true
Lost in this moment with you

Lost in the moment, in thismoment with you
Lost in the moment, yeah
Lost in the moment, (in the moment in this moment with you
Lost in the moment

Oi Vey!

2007-04-10T17:42:00.000-07:00

Well I knew wedding preperations were hectic, and I knew I would/will get irritated and overwhelmed, but I had no idea there were so many things to think about! Everyone is asking When and Where. I have no idea! Not a bloddy clue! I cant decide where it's going to be until I know how many we want to have, and until we know our budget. I also cant decide how many or what the budget should be until I know where its gonna be, and when. Oi vey! I have a million ideas from a million people, and they all sound amazing. How are we to decide?! Im pretty sure we want an outdoor wedding, but WHERE?! I want alot of people to come, but I dont want it to be near here, I was thinking in the mountains, but then that makes it inconvenient for guests. But should I care? It's for us right? :P

So far there are a few things we DID decide, and you can check it out here. We/I should be posting on there a little bit more in a few months when we have the ball rolling a little bit more. The biggest challenge is getting the wedding I want for cheap cheap cheap. Im not saying we're dirt poor, we live comfortably. We almost always have enough left over at the end of the month for emergency groceries, etc. I dont even know how much weddings cost! Do people take out loans for weddings? Should I do that now? So many questions!

Well two things are for sure.. I AM goig to go crazy! And I love my fiance! :)

Beautiful!

2007-03-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

So a few minutes ago a got an email from a good friend of mine that is just over 8 months pregnant. She sent me pictures that she had done that are absolutely beautiful. I HAD to share them.. here ya go!

News!

2007-03-18T15:13:00.000-07:00

As of March 17, 2007 I am... Engaged!

Faith

2007-03-04T16:58:00.000-08:00

I have some small posters on my cork board in my kitchen that I got from church when I was in high school. My favourite one has a picture of a man on a beach with arms open wide and jumping in the air, it says:

"Faith

is not belief in

spite of evidence,

but life in scorn

of consequences - a

courageous trust

in the great purpose

of all living things,

and pressing forward

to finish the

work which is in

sight, whatever

the price may be."

-Kirsopp Lake (1872-1946)

I just thought I'd share that with you all. :)

Where Have I Been?!

2007-02-24T21:16:00.000-08:00

Where have I been for the past week? Visiting! This is a picture of me (left) and one of my bestest best friends at West Edmonton Mall.

What did we do at the mall you ask? We went into the Underground caverns, and lurking in the dark corners we found Iggy the Iguana! He was really old though so we couldnt touch him, but we got pictures with him!

We also saw Penguins!

There was also a Sea Lion show that we went to! Cute little guy!

When we first got to the mall, my friends boyfriends sister and I went to go see the fire breathing dragon! He was the coolest!

My friends boyfriends sister!

My friend and her boyfriend after we had a fancy supper my last night there.

Me!

There was a whole lot more pictures, but the highlight of my trip, was going to West Edmonton Mall and seeing the sea lion show, and the underground caverns. Also our fancy supper my last night was amazing! mmm mmm!

I will also be posting more pictures..somewhere, later. When i'm less lazy. hee hee

Happy V Day!

2007-02-14T17:43:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day! I hope everyone has a valentine to call their own! (and if you dont, I'll be your valentine! :) My love gave me a doz blue roses, a single red rose, and a gift cert. for a spa! :) I'm so lucky!

News Time

2007-02-12T18:07:00.000-08:00

I found out yesterday that my dad has a girlfriend. He called me yesterday to tell me. So far it's kinda ok.. but I have to meet her next week. I think the way he told me was good, he just said that he has been seeing a woman, who's nice, smart etc etc etc and that they're dating, and that she'd like to meet us all. I think if I was living at home again it would be harder to take, but I dont have to live with it every day like my sister and brother do. We're all going out for supper, so I think I can handle supper. I just hope that she doesnt go over to dads place to visit right away. It's one thing going to visit my mom and having her boyfriend over there, but it's another thing to feel like they're invading your home. I'm just soo glad I dont have to live at home anymore, it was heartbreaking having to be reminded everyday that things will never be the same again. At least here I can forget.

Well, in other news, I'm going away next week! Yup, I'm taking a week of vacation (much needed vacation!) and going to visit friends. I cant wait to get outta here and see girlfriends and girlbond!! No offense to my honey, but I need girl time sometimes, and hopefully I'll be sick of girltime by the time I get home. :)

hmm.. I hope it's warm(er) where I'm going. :)

Spring has Sprung!

2007-02-02T16:10:00.000-08:00

Ahhh.. Ground hog day. My mom ran over a groundhog on groundhog day a few years ago, needless to say we blammed the 6 extra weeks of winter on her. Obviously he had an heir to the shadow-seeing throne, because spring has sprung!

Happy Spring everyone!

Think about it

2007-01-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

Why do we deserve what we have? Everything that I have, do I really deserve it? I live in a warm apartment, I worked my butt off to afford this computer, and I have food. But what do I deserve? Do I deserve it for simply being alive? Sure, someone looking at my life would say that yes I would. I worked and paid for almost everything I own, but does that mean I am more deserving of them? Who decides that I deserve them?

What about people who work many more hours than me, or people who struggle to survive? Dont you think THEY deserve a warm place to live and good food?

Did you know that:
-A few hundred millionaires now own as much wealth as the world’s poorest 2.5 billion people

-According to UNICEF, 30,000 children die each day due to poverty. And they “die quietly in some of the poorest villages on earth, far removed from the scrutiny and the conscience of the world. Being meek and weak in life makes these dying multitudes even more invisible in death."

-On a global scale, $780 Billion (U.S funds) was spent on Military, while only $6 Billion was spent world wide on Basic Education, $9 Billion on Water and Sanitation, $12 Billion on Reproductive Health for Women, and only $13 Billion on basic health and nutrition.

-There are 2.2 billion children on Earth, while 1 billion live in poverty.

-10.6 million children died in 2003 (same as the child population in France, Germany, Greece and Italy) before they reached the age of 5.

found from this source

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What is more sad than the numbers, is the fact that all of these lives have been reduced to numbers. They are all just a fact. Sure the facts are shocking, but they're also forgettable. It makes me sad to think that I was worried about not having a couch in my apartment. I felt like a hobo without a nice looking couch in my living room. I feel ashamed, and sad. Knowing that I HAD to buy expensive clothes for work, while across the world, and even in my own city, there are people who cant afford clothes, let alone a place to live.

Think about it. Lord help us to be humble. Lord help us to help those who cannot help themselves. Lord, help those countries that are being pushed farther and farther into debt, just trying to let they're people live. Lord, help us all.

Prayer

2007-01-27T23:06:00.001-08:00

Lord, make us strong. Please.

Rest In Peace Little One

2007-01-14T16:59:00.000-08:00

I cant belive it! My precious Nalani Elu is gone! R.I.P Nalani. Rest your bones in God's hands, and I pray that you're gone because of old age, and not something I did.

Nalani Elu was my very very first ever pet. My Red Betta fish. His name took me hours to come up with..Nalani means "Heavens" in Hawaiian. Elu means "Beautiful" or "fair" in Native American. I have a picture, it's not of Nalani, but the betta looks identical to him.

I cried alot for him today. I've never known anyone or anything to die before, so it was quite upsetting. I just hope that I did okay as an adoptive mom. (hee hee) Rest in peace my sweet Nalani Elu.

I still have other fish around the apartment, but none of them seem as precious because he was my first. My other fish are: (in order of when I got them)
Cornelius (blue betta)
Hannibal (cichlid)
Fishbert (cichlid)
Kitoko Akio (multi-colored betta) (his name means beautiful bright boy)
Peter (Plecostamus)
Simon (Oscar Cichlid)

Post Secret

2007-01-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

Here are some picture that inspired me from Post Secret. Most of them are things that I'd like to say, and some just inspire. Incase you dont know what post secret is.. it's a blog filled every sunday with secrets that pleople have mailed in on post cards. There are also several books out now filled with the cards. They are amazing!

Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-01-08T10:56:00.000-08:00

I thought this was pretty cool, you submit a picture of yourself and they scan your face (in like a minute!) and the computer decides who you look like. Try submiting multiple photos.

I'm addicted to quizes!

2007-01-05T21:09:00.000-08:00

You Are 24% Obsessive

You tend to have a few obsessive thoughts, but you generally have them under control.
Sometimes your worries keep you up at night, though they usually don't interfere with your life.

How Obsessive Are You?

You Are 52% Vain

You're a little vain, but more than anything you have a healthy amount of confidence.
Thinking the world of yourself is great. Just don't think less of those who aren't as pretty as you!

How Vain Are You?

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen
Or lend a shoulder to cry on
You're there through thick and thin
Many people consider you their "best friend"!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

You Are 16% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul.

You are at low risk for having a borderline personality. It is unlikely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

LOL!! ^

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Kermits Cousin

2007-01-05T21:03:00.000-08:00

This Photo was too cute to not share! From Cute Overload.

How hard is it to just listen to my point of view? How hard is it to try to understand? I listen to you!

2007-01-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

I hate drama, and I hate selfishness! It irritates me to the core. Sure this Christmas has been filled with happiness and love, but it's also been filled with meaness and the unwillingness to understand. Not (surprisingly) by my close family members (thank-you God for an awesome Christmas at home!) but by others around me. Do you all remember when we were four and selfish? When we had to have a certain toy, or a friend visit. Then as we got older, we got wiser. When we're about twelve we learn that maybe a friend cant visit because of personal reasons not because they're bored of you, or you cant have what you want because your parents really dont have the money for it, not because they're being mean and cruel to you. You also realize that just because you're denied something that you want, it doesnt mean that people prefer it that way. You know that you're parents are sad because they know they cant afford to get you new clothes, and it makes them even sadder because they know you may be ridiculed for it. You know it because they love you. But what happened to that understanding? I think it gets lost when you become an adult. Or maybe it gets lost when you get to close to someone.

I ask everyone, the next time that they're upset at someone to look at it from the other persons point of view, or from a different angle. If that person is a friend/family member obviously they're not doing something intentional to make you upset, they have their own reasons for it. It's up to you to find it and understand, because you love them. I'm sick and tired of " so and so claims to be my friend but they're avoiding me, I know it. I never get to see them, and now they're always busy when I want to be with them." Why they hell would a friend do that?! Obviously they have their reasons. While I'm on the subject of understanding, we must realize that it goes hand in hand with trust. Do you trust the person? Then you must know they have a reason to do what they're doing.

Well, this post is obviously a huge rant. A pointed one at that. There is never ever a time to get upset with someone if you just try to understand them. Especially if they're a loved one. Or maybe people get upset because they dont want to understand. Which is worse. I think all of society could use a little more understanding. How many times have you been in a fight and just wished that the other person just took time and effort to see your side? Probably very often.

If any of you know me well you know that I have always thought this, but never really stated it out loud. Well here you all go, it's something that I believe whole-heartedly. I hate selfishness, and meaness caused by the unwillingness to understand. Which to me seem to be the roots of many things chaotic. Like war, domestic fights, politics, everything!

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-23T18:43:00.000-08:00

Wow, is it just me or is this Christmas really really blah? Dont get me wrong, I still feel excited to have the day off (yay an extra day off next week!), but it just feels like a day off. It doesnt feel as exciting as it used to be. I think maybe because there isnt as much of an emphasis on it this year in my family. In fact my dad asked my love and I if it was okay if he could leave early for his trip to Saskatchewan, but he'd miss Christmas with us. I told him that he better be there, not for me, but so my little brother and sister have some sort of stable "normal" Christmas at home. Christmas just feels blah blah blah. That's okay I suppose, Christmas isnt about me anyways. I have to remember to think outside of presents, traditions and even family this Christmas. I've also been trying to tell myself, that yeah sure, having my parents go to splitzville really really sucks, ultimately I'm the only one who can tell me how to feel about it. I'm the one who chooses to be sad, and I'm the one who chooses to be scared. So I'm trying to tell myself that I can choose to be happy, and not let it bother me. So far it's working. We went for "Christmas" at my moms house on wednesday and thursday and I only felt uncomfortable once with her boyfriend there. That was when my dad came in for coffee. He came in, they asked him if he wanted coffee, and yup, he didnt the unthinkable, sat down and laughed and talked with them both. I dont know about any of you, but if I found out that my love was cheating on me, then left me for that girl, I wouldnt go for coffee with them two months after he left. No way! Basically what I'm trying to say, is that dad chose. He couldve been mad, upset (which he was rightly so at first), but then he chose to accept it, and he accepted it gracefully (so far). I must say I'm very very proud of him. If I where my dad I woulda ripped out the guys heart and jumped on it so he knew how I felt.

Speaking of visiting my mom, she gave us our Christmas presents! I got a set of baskets (the weaved kind made out of... uh.. branches or hemp or something?), bath stuff, christmas socks, a TON of duckie stuff, like a candle, and notepads, and magnets. I also got these metal kitchen containers/bowls with plastic lids, a gift certificate for Additonelle, and chocolate. Two nights ago my love and I exchanged presents I got him volume 2 of Family Guy, The King Kong movie (our first date last year was to see that movie!), a Dilbert desk calendar, and an airplane figurine made out of bullets (shells?). He got me an iPod Video, some FM transmitter for it (so I can listen to it over his car stereo, and a "skin" or protective cover for it. He was a little sad that I guessed the present before I opened it, but that's okay, I can guess most of what my presents are anyways. I guess I just have the knack for it, haha.

Well I hope Christmas day is a blast. First we are at my dads to open presents, have dinner, and then we head off to my loves parents place for the same thing. I cant wait to visit them, it's my little Christmas treat this holiday. It's like a retreat, good food, and even better company. Well I think that's about all for now. Good day ya'll, and I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

It's all comming together now

2006-12-20T12:02:00.000-08:00

So this is Christmas. Or almost. Today my siblings and I pack up and go to my mom's house for the night (or two) so we can have Christmas with her and her boyfriend. I think today is the equivilant of Christmas Eve, and tomorrow is Christmas day (for our present un-wrapping and dinner purposes). I cant say I'm totally thrilled to go, but I miss my mom alot. I even dont mind her boyfriend so much as of lately. Sometimes he seems like a know-it-all, but maybe he's just trying to impress us so we like him. So I have decided to like him...for now. It's a big step, and it's an even bigger step to act on it, but I really do think I like him. He's nice and has a weird sense of humour, and he's good to my mom. That doesnt mean that I'll jump up and give him a big ol' bear hug anytime soon, but I can sit down and have a good conversation with him, just like anyone else. Thats a huge step, that I'm surprised I've made it too so soon.

Speaking of big steps, our new apartment is slloowwlly starting to look like a home. By slowly I mean that there are still boxes everywhere, no pictures are hung up, and we dont even have curtains, but at least the basics are up, like the tv (haha), bookshelves, clothes and basic food stuffs. You can even see the floor! I really like our new apartment, sure it has it's drawbacks, like strange noises in the night (we think it has to do with either the laundry room being right below us, or a hot water tank), strange smells eminating from the halls outside the apartment, and we also have a lovely view right into a dumpster below our window, it's also always a million degrees in there, but hey, it's home, and I can do what I want with it. We should (hopefully) have our internet hooked up by today too, and as soon as my love is done working crazy hours of overtime during the holiday season, we can start to decorate and look for furniture.

Work has also been very good, the days are really busy, so they hours just zip by. Compared to last Christmas, I must say that there are much less crazy people shopping this year. I swear I had a million crazy people last christmas, mostly mothers and grandmothers I must say. I presume looking for the perfect christmas present to give to their (insert age here)year old. Or maybe they just dont phase me this year, when they come running into the store demanding the newest hottest video game just days before christmas. Yeah right, if you want that game you shoulda reserved one months before it came out, or started christmas shopping a month ago crazy-lady. Honestly, do people think that we carry an endless supply of stock? Not this time of year, we literally sell out of popular video games in minutes, and popular console systems in seconds. No lie. The other day we got three Nintendo Wii's in stock, and they all sold in under a minute. Crazy!

Wow, this post is really jumping around! And now onto another topic... I miss everyone! It's so awesome to have our new place, but we didnt have phone right off the bat, so I couldnt call any of my friends, and we still dont have internet, so I couldnt even email them either! My cell phone doesnt work that well also, so I hate calling people on it because I can never hear them correctly. So I basically go to work, come home from work, wait for my love to get home, go to bed, and do it all over again. I dont really like watching cable, so I rarely turn on the tv. I miss having any of my friends around. Even to just talk to. Or going for a drive in their car, or shopping. I'm going to see about taking maybe a week or two off in January or Febuary to go to visit some friends. I might even extend that into a mini vacation and go down to Calgary to visit family too.

Well that's about all for now folks, my brother will be done school for the day soon, so I better actually go and get decent clothes on before we go to moms place. Cya, and hopefully I can write in here again soon. Comment comment comment!!

Loosing Respect

2006-12-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

Well today is the day. Once everyone us up and kicking, and fed, we will begin moving all of our stuff back into the city. Yesterday my love and I picked up our keys for our new apartment. So far we have all of my fish moved into there, that was probably half the battle, so I'm glad we got that done right off the bat. We also picked up the truck we are using last night, Im actually surprised at how LARGE the truck is. I will upload a picture soon. Im surprised that it's drivable with a regular class 5 license actually.

It feels like moving came at just the right time. Almost like I've been at the front of a battle grounds for way to long, and they've finally called for me to go to a safer place. I wont have to hear the daily battles between my parents, that's the best part about moving out.

Most of the time when I get upset, and it has to do with my parents, it's because of something my dad has said. He say's that he likes to keep us kids informed, but I would much rather NOT be informed. Or i'd rather be informed when my brain can handle that kind of thing (which would be about a year from now). I'm not ready to handle new things after my parents splitting up. First my mom has her boyfriend, then I learn all sorts of crazy things about the past 2-3 years of my parents marriage. Which makes me question everying in those past two years. (When mom asked me to dye her hair, was it because SHE wanted it, or because she wanted to look good for someone?). Well now last night dad drops another bomb on my mental battleground. Of course when we got home last night, he had had another few too many drinks, so he was probably telling me things he wouldnt normally tell me. (I hope). But to make a complicated-long story short, he asked me to help him pick out jewelry for a lady friend of his (who is ONLY28!!) that he met in Europe, when he went on his class trip this past Easter. She's a model. Woo hoo, like I want to know, and like I care. And she's only 28!! (almost 29 he says!!) After hearing that I excused myself and went to bed, and cried and cried. I used to honestly think that my dad was the smartest person on the planet. The only other person that I thought was smarter was my Grandma (his mother). I looked up to him, and loved to sit and listen to him ramble on about history. Now he rambles on about how he's not sure why my mom is doing what she's doing, and he's always negative. I think I'm loosing respect for my parents. It's scary, and something I never thought would happen. On the plus side I'm gaining immense amounts of respect for my brother and sister, they're doing remarkably well. (unlike me) :s

Well that's about all for now. However I wont have internet for awhile (as of today) so the posts will be sparatic (like they arn't already) and more than likely non-existent. If you wanna talk to me I'm always checking my email so please email or call me. (or leave me comments). Thanks ya'll.

Stables

2006-11-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

I found this in our small town newspaper today. I know that similar pieces have been printed many many times before. However it's still a message that should be taken to heart. Hope you enjoy!

The Stables of our Lives

Almost two thousand years ago
God entered the life of the human family.
Isaiah foretold it
and the chosen people of God waited.
They prepared for hundreds of years.
Their house was clean,
Their lamps lit,
the front door thrown open
waiting for the guest to arrive.
And God came.
But he entered by the back door.
We do the same.
We clean our houses.
go to confession,
come home for Christmas.
We try to make ourselves better,
more worthy.
And we look down into this clean,
well-lighted place inside of us,
and it is empty of God.
For God loves the lowly places of humanity,
the stables of our lives.
To find God,
We must enter that stable,
that dark place inside of us,
where we are alone,
trusting,
always trusting,
for it is a frighteneing place,
there in the dark.
We do not know what we will find,
and yet, I do believe
it is the one place inside of me
that Jesus feels right at home.

Paige Byrne Shortal

I know that God is always there. On my birthday I remember thinking "If I just pray, then my day will get better, God will make it alright." Then I did the weirdest thing (for me at least). I decided against praying. Why? Im not exactly sure, maybe because I was so set on my birthday being bad, that I figured it was a waste to even try to make it better. Sometimes we do crazy things when we're sad or upset. I also thought that my mom wouldnt remember my birthday. Then she showed up at work with a huge bag full of gifts and a head-band with white fuzz, holly, and bells. She did make my day better, I just didnt want to acknowledge it. Just like I didnt want to acknowledge that praying would make it better too. I know I know, I'm just a total weirdo.

No-Good-Very-Bad Day

2006-11-26T09:26:00.000-08:00

So.. my birthday was on thursday. As a whole..it sucked. None of the right people called/ did anything for me. (not that anyone SHOULD have to, gosh I feel selfish writing that, but it's true) I just felt neglected I suppose. There where alot of happy things that happened on my birthday too. My mom came to see me, that's a big one. I also went to my friend Laura's house and she made me a birthday cake! (yay!) But her husband wouldnt pull himself away from World of Warcraft to sing the birthday song to me... he couldnt even yell it from the other room. (ouch!) Also, the present she gave me was chipped, but I assured her that I would fix it myself. When that was done we played world of warcraft for half an hour, then I got to sit/sleep at my loves work until he was done, which was well after midnight. The rest of the day was filled with me working working working, and having old ladies get mad at me because I couldnt return the video game their grandson wrecked 6 months ago.

Dad decided that it would be nice to go out for lunch for my birthday (which is a family custom after you become an adult). We decided that having lunch would be nice, and he said that he wouldnt mind if my mom came, but he REALLY really doesnt want moms boyfriend to come. So I express this to mom, and it turns into, "well if HE cant come, then I'M not comming.", and then from my dad "but I cant STAND to see him there." and in the end I cried alot of tears because it was supposed to be MY birthday lunch. I just wanted them to figure it out, and get on with it. We eventually ended up going out for lunch with my dad, brother, sister and my love, then going to my moms house for supper. It took me threatening to cancel either (and my hours of crying) to get any progress. I think my birthday is probably at the crappiest time for them. Hell, they JUST broke up. I just cant think about Christmas, because it's going to be the same thing all over again. But at least I'll have my own house I can hide in. I dont have to go to either of their houses if they start pulling that crap again/acting like 6 year olds.

Well on hindsight my birthday wasn't TOO bad (well okay..it was horrible). But at least my mom showed up at my work. (I honestly was very afraid that she would forget me altogether that day). And I had a friend go out of her way to invite me over for cake when I was done work. I also got to go to a really awesome Three Days Grace concert courtesy of my love a few days before. But I should (eventually) learn that my birthday is gonna be a let-down from here on in. Ever since I turned 18 I hated my birthday. Nobody calls (or if it's like this year, I was working so if anyone DID call, I didnt get it), and close friends even forgot my birthday(Which I should have guessed because it's happened before). I think I'm going to start a no-birthday petition.

All in all I've had a no-good-very-bad week. I feel like crap, and like I'm not important enough to remember. Good news though, my love and I are moving into our apartment next saturday (dec 2)! I totally cant wait! As soon as we're settled (and bought the necesarry, like cutlery and pots and pans because I'm silly and never ever bought any). We are going to put up our Christmas tree and decorate! Oh happy day! Speaking of which I should probably finish packing..I only have today to pack it all.. (eep!)
-------
Sorry about the messy post, it was written very fast, and not read over like I usually do. I just wanted to get a post out there, and this birthday crap was taking over my brain, so I had to say it. Also, when we move there is a good possibility of not having internet for the first month or two (who moves right before Christmas?! we're crazy! Its an expensive time of year!) that we're there, so my posts might be few and far between. But I'm not worried, I dont have enough people who read this, who I dont know personally, haha.

If I dont get back on here for awhile, then have a good christmas (eh!).

Ima Hermit

2006-11-14T13:44:00.000-08:00

I must say that I had an incredible weekend. It started with (finally!) going to see my mom in a city nearby. Up until this weekend I hadnt seen her apartment. It was reassuring to see it look homey. It was also a little bit sad to see things that "dont belong" there. Like the old TV from downstairs. All of her plants, and a wide array of sunflowers. Sunflowers hanging from her livingroom window, sunflower pot holders, everything. I missed those sunflowers. I also met her boyfriend while we were there. It wasnt as bad/scary/boring/horrible as I thought it would be. Surprisingly I didnt have an urge to choke him upon sight, or to try to out wit him at everything that he said. I did feel uncomfortable with him there though. I didnt start looking him in the face until several hours had passed. During dinner I sat across the table from him, and my body was turned toward him, but my head was either always hanging down, or craned to my far right to see the tv screen. I didnt want to look him in the face. Other than him being there, it was enjoyable.

On saturday my love and I went to another city nearby and to our dismay every place we wanted to go to was closed. (for Rememberance day). So we had a quick bite to eat and headed to his parents place. I really like going there, it's so calm. I feel like I can sit in their living room with a blanket and read all day, or just watch the snow fall outside. (Which is what I did for a good portion of the weekend!). I think my love needed to go to his parents place, he seems so much more calm and less stressed out now. Either that or he was irritable because he really really really wanted to drive one of their quads. heehee. On Sunday while my love and his dad where outside I had a good talk with his mom (and with his brother for awhile too). They're family is so full of wisdom! His brother is surprisingly caring and mature campared to many men his age, which is a refreshing change! His mom also had alot to share with me which was also nice. She brought up alot of issues that I had been concerned with lately and made me feel like I wasnt the only one going through them which was especially nice. She made me feel not crazy for wanting what I want at Christmas, and for being totally bewildered when my love just "doesnt get it". We had alot of good laughs. When we left just after noon I was sad to cut my talk short, and to leave such a "safe" comforting home. It was quiet, something I havnt seen for awhile at my own home, boy I cant wait to move out!

Yesterday I got to hang out with a few friends that I havnt seen for quite awhile. (And most of them live close by even!). We went out to a nice Chinese restaurant for supper and then saw "Stranger than Fiction" at the theatre. It was really nice just to be with them. I really miss hanging out and having no agenda, just fun! It made me realize how much I miss my friends, and how happy they make me. I really need to hang out with them more. On the way home from hanging out with them we listened to some really good music (Imogen Heap) and I almost fell asleep, because I was so content. Yup I sure do miss those crazy ladies (and guys!) :D

Well now that everyone is gone and I have no one to visit I can start planning for the next time, because I realized just how much I need to see the people I care about most. Thats definetly what this weekend showed me. Thanks everyone!

Understand

2006-11-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

Did I ever mention that I have wonderful friends? They've literally been there for me through thick and thin, and I love them to death. A little while ago, I recieved a neat white box in the mail from one of them. Inside held all sorts of neat things, all of them I hold dear to my heart. One in particular I would like to share with you however. It's from a little book she sent me entitled, "Believing In Ourselves Womens Wisdom" . You see this is a very "her" gift to give. I dont know anyone who is more proud to be a woman, and I dont know anyone else who deserves it more.

Here are a few things that I especially liked from it. (All you men listen too!!

"Dare to try. For every reason you come up with not to attempt something, there are at least two good reasons to go for it."

"Imagine the world without you. Yes, do a George Bailey: How would your family, your community be different if you weren't around? There's no better way to clearly see the significance of you."

"No feeling sorry for yourself. Or if you must, at least pamper yourself with chocolate, a massage, or a pedicure or bubble bath instead of just moping around."

"Understand that everyone has (his) her own agenda behind her actions and words. If someone disappoints you, don't curl up into yourself and vow not to reach out or dependon others. Know that everyone else is trying to make her way just like you are. Don't waste your time being bitter."

"Dont be afriad to believe in fate. For you, part of believeing in yourself may be acknowledging that there's something out there that's bigger than you, and trusting in it."

"Be the cause of wonderful things"
-Holly Stiel

"Dare to embarass yourself. Risk."
-Drew Barrymore

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience."
-Victoria Holt

All of these were ones that made me sit back and think. I hope they do the same for you too.

Who wouldnt want to help?

2006-10-31T11:38:00.000-08:00

Now, my last post of the video Dont Give Up (Africa), is by Alicia Keys and Bono. There's another version on YouTube of them singing live on the Oprah show, I almost like that version better. There's soemthing about the raw emotion of live singing that is haunting. Now these pictures I do believe where from a trip that Alicia Keys had in Africa. Last year Oprah gave her $200,000 to help people in Africa. I must say, that it's things like that, that make me want to go over there ASAP. Why dont I? I'm not sure. I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm also still trying to figure out who I am.

I have all of these ambitons and goals in life, and just recently I've realized how childish my goals have been. Where most people gave up on world peace at a young age, I've just realized the massiveness of such a project. I cant do it alone, but I also know that if I do it with someone else it's still not possible unless they have the same goals as me. To help people costs money, and precious time. Now I have a wonderful caring boyfriend who will support me in whatever I want to do. He readily agreed to come with me on misisons trips. He even thought about going to bible college with me. But then what about him? He has so many goals and dreams, and all of them invovle being close to technology, and having money. None of them started out the same as me. He has no deep desire to help mankind in the same sense that I want to. I feel stuck and lost. I dont know what to do, I feel like I'm waiting for him to make up his mind. I want him to figure out what to do with his life so I know what to do with mine. If he wants to follow his dreams (which by all means he should and I hope he does!) then I will support him, and be by his side, and that's what I will do with my life. I might take a small missions trip, but that will be all. If he decides to be passionate about helping others overseas, then we can do that too. Although I know he doesnt. I'm sad at this realization. My whole life I thought that I would never ever find a boyfriend (let alone one that loves me so much), so it never ever bothered my mind to think that I'd have someone else's goals to keep in mind. I always figured that I'd find a husband wherever I worked over seas, and we'd (obviously) have the same interests and DING, life would be perfect. My childish mind is growing up and at an alarming rate. I'm figuring out that I cant do everything (sorry little timmy, superman/woman doesnt exist), and life isnt a fairy tale. Two months ago I felt overwhelmed at school and scared that I wasnt following my dream. I felt panicked and felt like I was conforming. I wanted my independence to pop out and go.."what about you Duckie? You're doing this for all the wrong reasons!". Yes, my independence popped out, and it left no room for anything else my better half (my love) wanted. In a perfect world he would come with me, we would save lives, and ride off into the sunset. Let me refrase that, in MY perfect world, that would happen. I'm sure in his perfect world we would move to a place where he could confidently finish school and still have money to survive, and we'd live out his wonderful dream. Me by his side, fully in love with our life. We have such contrasting dreams that I'm afraid of what to do now. I'm afraid of conforming my dreams and goals and what I feel inside, and yet I absolutely dont want him to give up what he wants to do just to follow me around. I dont see how we can do both either. It takes so much to be a missionary, I would never be home. Home would have to come with me, and home wants to stay where there is technology (and probaby a local A&W! hee hee). I know that I'm young, and maybe I should just worry about being financially stable and just living my life a day at a time. But there is an alarm going off in my head, and a count down, at the end of the count down is "too late to do anything, you waited to long, now your life is a waste." harumph!

I praise those people who can make all their dreams and the dreams of others around them come true. (you must be all millionaires, or you really know how to save the moola!). It's a sad realization when you know you cant.

Now there is another worry that pops into my head. What if I decide to not do missions as I had hoped? Maybe a little one every 10 years or so? I think I might feel like I'm stuck, and I might feel regret. I will want to get out. I know...it's called a mid-life crisis, but I think I'm having it pre-maturely. I think that's why my mom left us. We didnt give her what she wanted. She wasnt happy, she never got to do what she wanted to do. All she did was stay home with us brats, try to get us to clean, get upset, then go to bed early. Some life. I wouldnt want that either. That's what I'm afraid that I will get into. Something that I dont want, something that I never dreamed of. Something that I cant get excited about. How can I be excited about my life when I'm conforming to someone else's dreams? How can I ask someone to conform to MY dreams because I want them too? I'm scared that this will hurt our relationship.

My last thought is.. who wouldnt want to help? Look at the picture that I posted. Doesnt this make you sick? It makes me sad in the heart. How could we let his happen to our children of the world?! Who wouldnt want to help?

Don´t give up (Africa)

2006-10-27T10:26:00.001-07:00

As Promised

2006-10-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here's the picture of the Orc from World of Warcraft I promised to show you all. It's not done yet, and I'll post another picture when it's done. It's not the best quality of picture (I took it with my cell phone, haha). It's also weird for me to pick something like an orc to draw, but cest la vie. (And yes, I realize this is like my tenth post of the day...hee hee)

Forever

2006-10-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

I find that if you read this while listening to Canon in D Major by Mozart (or any other music without words), and picture it like a cheesy comercial then it's really sweet and made me cry.
---------
Forever

She wakes up and brushes a few hints of sleep from her eyes. She hasnt even had her morning coffee, yet she is wide awake. Pulling herself out of bed, only in her underwear, she pads across the hardwood floor to the bathroom mirror and gazes at her reflection. Today is the day. Today is the day that her life changes. Today is the day that her life changes for better, for worse, forever. As she sits down to breakfast she grins, today will change forever, and she cant wait.

A few hours later she is in her mothers room. In the background her mother has Beethoven playing. She feels calm and peaceful as her mother does up the last of her buttons on the back of her dress. This is it, she's finally ready for forever. Soon after she is starting down the isle, she feels like she's walking among the angels. There are white pillows of tule and roses everywhere, and at the end of it all is her true love. Time slows down, almost to a halt. All sound disapears except for her own breath. Everyone is staring at her, she's beautiful, but she doesnt notice the eyes, she only see's him. Even her brain has slowed down, she takes in the beauty of the moment. When he reaches out his hand for her, she smiles and feels the electric jolt of love dance between them. They exchange their vows, kiss, then turn back towards everyone. Her mothers face is wet from tears, and her father is grinning from ear to ear. This is it, this is forever.

Together they start down the isle, time slows down again as everyone stands. She swears that she can hear angels singing. She's never been happier in her entire life. Two children at the end of the isle throw rose petals around them as they leave. They pass more friends, loved ones, and family outside. All of them laughing and throwing petals around them. The rest of the day flew by in warp speed, until finally at the end of it all, he carried her into their new home late that night. They stayed up late gazing at the stars, talking, laughing, and planning for forever. For surely this is a new chapter, a new beginning.

Happy Belated

2006-10-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

The other day was Amigo's one of our family Chihuahua's birthday (Oct 22). He is 5 years old (or 33 in human years according to this dog years calculator.) Our other dog, Daisy, a daschound/shit-zu is 2 years old or 21 according to the dog calculator. Wow, she's already one year older than me, thats pretty good considering she was born in 2004. Hee hee.

That's about all I have to say for today.. other than I cant wait until Halloween! I get to dress up and have fun going out on the town and relax with friends. I have some friends comming back from Edmonton on friday, and I cant wait to see them!

Owie!

2006-10-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ugh, this is deffinetly the wrong time for me to start exercising. The first time I decided to start exercising, the next morning I sprained my ankle (I didnt even trip on anything! One second I was walking and the next I was going bum first towards the ground!). Eventually my ankle got better, well enough so that I could exercise and it only got a little stiff. Then the horrible Thanksgiving came and there went my diet. Last night I decided to give it all another go, promising myself I would go for a jog today, or lift some weights. Well I didnt quite make it that far. I hoped in the shower, and when I was done I fell out. Or rather I fell back into the shower. I decided to do a WWF restling move ribs first onto the side of the tub. Owie! So needless to say I've been taking it slow today, and the next few days will be slow too. I think that my body is rebelling against the exercise, it's throwing itself (literally) around just so I cant exercise.

I called my mom today and told her about my rib-o-drama and she said that I'm probably clumsier because I lost a few pounds. That makes sense I suppose. I've almost tripped about a zillion times since I've lost a measly four pounds. She did say that she knows she's losing weight whenever she gets clumsy, so I suppose that makes sense.

Well either way, this is another set back for my exercising. In a way it's also a set back for my diet, because I was too sore to make myself something healthy for supper, so my sister made us all Mac and cheese and garlic sausage. It was tooooo good to let it pass. And soon Halloween is here, so I'll have visions of candy dancing around, and then Christmas, and New Years. Oh boy, Lord give me strength!

Black Hole of DOOM

2006-10-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

Most of the time, life feels perfectly fine, perfectly normal. I can clean house, visit with my sister, play with the dogs, and check my email like nothing. In fact that's how it's been lately. My 8 year old cousin Hallie came over and we had fun all weekend. I got to watch cheesy movies, and saturday morning cartoons with her. Then all of a sudden I feel like I'm in a big dark hole, that's getting deeper and deeper. When this arises, it feels like it's easier to just let the dark consume you, and take you away than to try to muster up the energy to claw your way back out. The worst part about the big black hole is that it's hard to hide that you're in it. Or sometimes you want the whole world to know that you're in the whole, but telling them is not an option. I hate telling someone that I'm sad or not alright. It's like I'm just posting up signs for a pity party. Or maybe I'm scared they wont care as much as I thought they would.

The big black hole hit today when my dad came into my bedroom to talk to me. He asked me a question, how I would tell someone something that they wouldnt like to hear. Well this perked my brain. What was he getting at? Why would he come to me? So I told him that I wasnt sure what I'd do in that situation. I then asked him why he wanted to know. I knew I was opening a huge can of worms, but I knew he needed someone to talk to. He told me how when my brother went to visit my mom this weekend, how my mom's "friend" Gary had been there, and spent the whole weekend there. They wanted to take my brother on a road trip in a few weeks to Vancouver. My mom also asked both my brother and sister to move in with her. This sent me reeling. First of all, if mom had invited me over to visit and some guy stayed the whole weekend I would be quite miffed. She just moved out for heaven's sake, that's enough of a shock for all of us to get used to, let alone some guy being pushed into our lives. And now wanting my brother to move in with her? What will my dad do all alone here once my sister moves out too. She's the one that left us, why should my dad have to live all alone because of it? I know that my brother will be moving out in about three more years anyways, and eventually dad will have the house to himself. But this is so sudden, and so heartbreaking for him. From having a full house, to just him and the dogs (which they would probably go too). All of this breaks my heart to no end.

I'm a girl who cant stand the thought, let alone the sight of seeing my dad cry, or get upset. It's gotten to the point that I cant handle it when my dad comes in to ask me "how I'm doing" just incase he wants to talk about him and mom. I want to avoid talking about it to anyone but a select few. Those few people dont include family. I dont want anyone to know my feelings, because then they'll probably send me to counselling or worse, repeatedly ask me every day "Duckie, are you okay? Are you sure? You seem down and queit lately.." Well DUH! Why wouldnt I be?! Wait, are you telling me I should be perky considering the situation? Basically I want grieving time, I suppose. I dont want to be rushed into "sharing my feelings" or meeting someone new that I'm forced to like because he spends weekends at my moms house.

I cant wait to move out. Then I wont be bombarded by this all the time. I wont have tears welling up in my face each time my mom only stays for a few minutes each week because she has to get home so she can sleep for her second job the next morning. Speaking of moving out, my love and I applied for our friends apartment for when they move out (nov 1st!). We're pushed to the top of the list of applicants, we just need to be approved and we're set!

I have visions of having my living room set up, my plants all around and sunlight beautifully streaming through the windows. I'll have my dining table set up and I'll be chatting with friends as I serve coffee. Right now the apartment belongs to a dear friend of mine, it has a large living room and a S T O R A G E room! (Praise the Lord!) The bedroom is also quite a decent size, but unfortunately they took that "decent sized space" out of the kitchen. Theres not enough room for a microwave let alone my dinette set, ahh cest la vie.

Well I went through a few more topics than I had originally thought, and I probably ranted more than I should have. But I do believe I got necessary feelings out, I guess that's part of the process to leaving the black hole of stress and D O O M. Also on a happier note, I found out that one of my friends is pregnant and due in April! I cant wait to see her on Sunday.

Missunderstood

2006-10-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can be such a silly person when it comes to my love and I. Most of the time I assume things when really I shouldnt. For Instance, yesterday I was talking to him on the phone during his lunch break at work. I dont exactly remember the conversation, but he inadvertantly ended up making a bad joke about me. Mad, I hung up the phone on him, and didnt hear back from him until he was done work and on his way home. By this time I had long forgotten about the joke, but he hadnt and he had said he was very sorry. Of course I accepted his appology then the subject moved to the movie I was currently watching (or rather attempting to watch The Bone Collector), then to what he wanted for supper when he got home. He also mention he would be home by about ten o'clock, taking into consideration the highway condition because of the snow fall.

Time ticked by, it was getting closer to ten so I started to make supper for him. Since it looked chilly out I rustled up some Chicken soup and roast beef. (I cant take credit for the immaculate beef, it was only left-overs that my dad had made). By the time I was done it was ten o'clock so I went outside to wait for him. I pulled on a thick sweater, and my running shoes. Outside it was pitch black except for where the snowflakes caught the light of the street post across the street. If you're quiet enough you can hear the faint whisping sound of the snow falling. I jumped into the yard and made a giant heart in the snow, and then our initials inside of it. I figured he'd enjoy that just as much as I did making it. Eventually my brother came outside to join me and we talked for a bit .(but that didnt last long because he's only 16, he has better things to do you know.) He finally went in his truck, blasted loud music for five minutes, got bored then started to head back inside. Boy was this guy taking a long time getting home! Finally just as my brother got to the door to go in, I could hear the faint bom bom bom of my loves stereo, and the remote-control-car sound his car makes.

When he popped out of the car he thanked me for the lovely heart I had made in the snow, then ushered me over. He said sorry again for the joke, then said he was late because he stopped to do something on the way home. He wanted me to get in the driver side of his car, and then look in the back. "Oh my gosh!" I thought, "He must've gotten me flowers, or a present because he was mean earlier". Thoughts of red-roses and giant white teddy bears floated in my brain as I turned around. In the back of his car I saw... his old tires.. his sub-box, and the bright blue glowing light from the digital display on the capacitor he had installed the day before. I turned around with a questioning look in my eyes. "Where's the gift? I dont see anything special in here" I thought.

"Dont you see it?" he asked and cranned his head in to look. "The bright blue display on the capacitor, I turned it around so you can actually see it, just like you told me I should do." He was all smiles. Yup, he turned his capacitor around. "Gee.... wooo-hooo" floated around in my brain. But instead I said.."ooohhh, well.... that's really cool hun, well look how much better that looks now that it's turned around." Waves of sadness rushed through me as I realized I wasnt getting my red-roses, or the giant white teddy-bear. "Ahh.. I'm 20 too old of that stuff anyways..." I thought.

Later on after he had his supper I asked me why I looked so sad, and I told him that it was because I was expecting something different in the back of his car. Have you ever seen anyone when the lightbulb turns on in their brain? It's kind of interesting actually. His eyes got all big, and his mouth opened in a big O. Then he looked like he wanted to smack himself on the forehead. "I'm sorry!" came out of his mouth, and I felt really bad because he shouldn't feel sorry for not brining me a present. That's just silly. Especially when he had said sorry for the joke and I accepted his appology. Either way though, it was kinda funny to see him so happy over the capacitor being turned around. Also, in a way, he did give me a present. He turned it around because I figured it would look better, he did it for me. That I can be thankful for. Although I wouldnt have complained if there where also flowers, neatly arranged around the capacitor. Haha.

Now, having a little brother and my dad around my whole life, I knew that men and women thought differently about things. But now after having a boyfriend, I can really see it. Personally I think men are just weird when it comes to their thinking. But hey, his emotions and thoughts are like a puzzle, I have my life to figure them out. To give him credit (and all men), I think women are crazier. But it doesnt mean that we're wrong. Nope, crazy women are still always right. Haha.
-----

Speaking of women and their crazy ways... I just recently realized something. It's something I should've realized oh..maybe when love and I first started dating. I have this mentality (and I know that it's a cliche, but for me it's true), that whats mine is mine, and what's yours is mine. For instance, the other day we where eating salads at Wendy's. Love was talking on the phone to a car insurance company. I couldnt help but notice that he had a very very scrumptuous looking piece of chicken on the very top of his salad. So of course I figured he wouldnt mind if i took it. Sure enough I took the chicken (which was good by the way), and he didnt care one bit. Once he was off the phone he stabbed a piece of my chicken and right away my defences went up. "hey!" I said, "my chicken! look at all the chicken you have!". Oh boy.. I instantly regretted it. He just shrugged his shoulders, started eating his salad and continued on a conversation about the car insurance agencies. Women are weird creatures. Why did I really need that piece of chicken? Who knows.

One thing I do know though, as much as I'm trying to learn what makes my love tick, I have to do the same thing for myself. I'm still pondering why I want that damn chicken too...maybe it's just because of my love for chicken..haha..who knows. Until next time...

Not Much Going On

2006-10-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

Wow, I havn't written for awhile, and that's probably because nothing of much significance has occured over the past two weeks. The only thing that I can think of, is my dear friend Laura gave me a call today and said it looks like we can have her apartment at the end of the month (woo-hoo!). Her and her husband Adam are moving into a duplex, so she's putting us on her lease for her current apartment. I'm happy because rent is cheap there, and it's close to "main" street. Hopefully I can get a job at one of the small shops down that street. It's also close to my love's work, it's practically across the street! So if all goes well, I should be moved into a new apartment in 2-3 weeks!

It's not that I dont like my current residence, but I love it here. It's just that this small town has N O T H I N G to do! I owe too much in library fees, so that option is out (and without income I cant pay it), and there is a grocery store. Woo-hoo. I cant wait till we have our own apartment, with our own rules. I can have guests over if I want, and keep it clean! yay!

Okay, that's about all I have for now.. I'll keep you guys posted if anything new happens. (Which I doubt will)

Pictures

2006-09-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

In case ya'll didnt notice, I added a flickr badge to my sidebar. If you go to it, it has pictures of my friends and I! Enjoy! :D

Three Days Grace

2006-09-28T20:17:00.001-07:00

So I've officially made it three-quarters of the way through the week, and I havnt cried once. I call that a step forward! Today my main focus was to clean my bedroom (my moms old office) and fix it up a little. I have my desk in here now, which is great, and my nightstand! (oh nightstand, how could I have lived without you??!) In fact today has been a really good day. Well actually it started last night, and the happiness has shone through to today.

Last night I was in my room (what I was doing eludes me at the moment) when I heard my brother, who was in the hallway, say something about Dan being home. So as per usual I ran to the front door and was presented with Dan, a huge grin on his face and pulling something out of his coat pocket. He pulled out two little purple pieces of paper. Now the next few minutes where filled with screeches, screams, and laughing. He had bought two tickets to a Three Days Grace concert on November 21st. Two days before my birthday. They are one of my favourite bands. I could have squeezed him till he exploded, I was so happy! No one has ever been so generous to me before! Sure I've gotten awesome things for my birthdays before, but nothing like concert tickets (floor seats!!) for such a popular band. Yay!

Okay, besides that, my day has been filled with cleaning cleaning cleaning. Then I sent a very belated birthday present to a friend, and an "i miss you" present to another friend today. Life has been good to me lately. I'm now not so afraid to pray now, I must admit. Lets hope this continues!

Marriage Schmarriage

2006-09-24T15:28:00.000-07:00

It's weird that I havn't posted this before, considering it's been on the forefront of my brain for many weeks. I found out at the end of August that my parents are taking a roadtrip to splitsville. Yup, they're divorcing. It's hit my dad like a ton of bricks, you can physically see it on him and it saddens my heart. My dad still loves my mom to death, my mom is the one who wants to split up, not him.

It's nice that they are still "friends" though. They act just like normal around here, the only difference is that mom sleeps on the couch now. Dad said that it'll be just like normal for holidays as well, mom will come back for holidays, and it'll be like nothing has changed. I'm very glad to hear that. I dont want to have to go.. "well I'm sorry dad but..mom really wants us with her for christmas.. dad..I'm so sorry" I think that would break my heart. (If it's not already breaking)

Although it's been pretty "normal" around here for the past few weeks, there's still alot buzzing around in my brain. Everyone and their dog can tell me that mom isnt abandoning us, and that us kids couldnt have changed this outcome by doing the dishes more often, but it still feels like she's leaving the family, not my dad. I wish I would have helped more around the house, and I wish I wouldve known better. I wish. Besides actually loosing a parent to death, this seems like a childs worst nightmare. Mommy is leaving us. She doesnt want to live with us. What if she marries again and loves her other family more? I know it all sounds crazy to anyone who hasnt been in this situation, "it's not possible for a mother to not love her children!" is what I'm hearing through the internet wires. But to me it feels more real than anything else at the moment.

Yahoo, I get to move her too tomorrow. I dont know how I can do it, I already have a burning lump in my throat thinking about moving her things. My poor dad too, he's been so quiet today. I went into the living room earlier and he had out the new iron he bought, and was trying to get the ironing board to stand upright. When I went into his bedroom i noticed moms bedframe was in pieces and dad had bought a new one for himself. Sometimes it seems more than I can bare.

The weird thing is that besides Dad, I seem to be taking it harder than my brother and sister. Maybe they saw this comming, I have been moved out for awhile. A few years ago I remember looking at my family and thinking that we were the perfect family. My parents were the perfect parents, that nothing could shake them. The thought of divorce was nowhere in my mind. They never fought, no signs. Just all of a sudden one day mom decided that it was enough. Maybe that's why I have a hard time with it, my "perfect" ideal family was shattered. I was illusioned for years into thinking it was okay, when it wasnt. Now I dont know about my own relationship.

The day before yesterday I told my love that I was scared of the same thing not happening to us. I was scared that we'd jump into marriage and not really know each other. I told him that if he had plans of proposing to me this year he better cancel it. I'm not ready, I'm scared. I think our relationship is perfect, so full of love. But I also thought that my parents relationship was perfect too. If I was wrong about that, then who knows what else I'm wrong about. I dont want to jump into anything too fast, in fact I dont know if I want to marry at all now. I'm sure I'll change my mind over the months. But right now marriage seems like a scam.

Diet

2006-09-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

Today I am starting a new diet! It IS going to work! I have started a diet journal where I am writing down what I eat and how many calories I consume. I am also going to go for a walk every day and try to workout. We even bought a bunch of healthy food last night. The hardest part is going to be my family. My brother goes to the convenience store two blocks away at least once a day to buy junk food, which he usually splits with me. Also my dad is infamous for his greasy/unhealty food. At least you know your food is sugar free beucase he cant have sugar, but it's not sugar that I'm addicted to, it's salt and fat. So far I've had a slimfast shake, and a muffin, and I've gone for a one hour walk, and I've lifted some 5 pound weights. Thats a good start right? Then for supper I'll have a Chicken Ceasar and another slim fast shake. You know, I think I'm going to make another blog, and dedicate it to my diet. Maybe it'll keep me motivated!
--Update--
My diet blog is located here.

Epiphany!

2006-09-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just had an epiphany! I thrive on the words of others, oh wow, I cant believe that I only just realized this. I only have courage or think I can do something if I have encouraging words from people I look up to. I dont mean the "encouraging" words of parents or siblings or even friends. Sure they can have a positive impact, but I mean somebody who doesnt have to give you encouraging words. For example, I was just sitting here sketching an ogre from a World of Warcraft Strategy guide, and I was thinking that I probably wouldnt have ever been interested in sketching or art if my grade nine teacher hadnt told me that I should seriously consider art. She sat me down and told me that my art was good, and that I should sign and date all of my artwork so that it would never be stolen, then she told me that I should seek further art lessons in high school. Holy moly! I feel smarter now just for finding that out. It's like a know a little secret. Hee hee. Just thought I would spred the word.

Divine Intervention

2006-09-19T15:59:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I knew it was wrong all along. Yet, I could still fake excitedness, or maybe I really was excited..I dont know. The first day I had a headache, the deep kind that makes your eyes hurt. My stomach was in knots, I wanted to throw up. I knew it was wrong. I came home afterwards and beamed about how great my day was. It was of course a beginning of something new. This life I had chosen was the beginning of security, familiarity, and free of consequence. Then why was this wrong? I made it through another week, forcing fake smiles while people asked me how wonderfully my new life choice was going. It was going wonderfully, well almost. I had to re-asses a few things, and I figured it would take me up to another whole year to be where I "wanted" to be, but besides that, everything was just "dandy". A few days ago I looked seriously at my future, and realised that yes, it was going to be perfectly fine. Perfectly normal, perfectly average. I would be learning things that many peope before me had learned, and then when it was all done, and I was tested on that knowledge, I would begin to apply that knowledge everyday. The end.

I wondered if this was what I really wanted, and of course my first answer was "no, absolutely not! ..but Duckie, this is what works, this is what is safe, this will make life uncomplicated in the future". I picked a future that would even keep me in this province, not far from home. It would allow me to get married here, have children here, work here, then eventually die here. Sounds like everyone else right? Right. Thats not what I want deep in my heart though. Not even close. I want to travel, I want to help other people. I did the unthinkable yesterday. I withdrew from all of my fall and winter classes. I knew I wasnt going to be happy deep inside. All my life I had wanted to be something else, not a Paleontologist. Sure, I love learning biology, and learning espeically about dinosaurs, but thats not what I want to do.

Right now I'm sitting here listening to Beethoven, and thinking about yesterday. Yesterday I was so happy. I withdrew from my classes, I didnt care..I was going to do what I wanted to do. I had plans forming in my head for what I could do. How I could do it. Later in the day, I was talking to a friend of mine. She couldnt believe what I had done. She was upset, and didnt understand. Then later I talked to my dad, he supports me, but he doesnt understand either. So far nobody understands this deep feeling I have inside. It's so strong that I know it's meant to be. I know that I'm destined to do great things. It's almost as if God himself talked directly to me.

Unfortunately it comes with consequences. It doesnt leave much room for things like a boyfriend (let alone a husband), or a family. In fact I wouldnt even be in the country much. How could I possibly raise a family? I want to do however, God's bidding, wherever that may be. Whether it's building houses, setting up churches or just spreading the good word. Maybe a radio station in Uganda, or raising the walls of a hospital on the Ivory coast. The call was so strong, that I think that's why I got physically sick at school. My love also brought up another point. Something that's very controversial I think to the Christian world. Sometimes I'm afraid to pray. Sure I'll pray for a over a meal and things like that, but whenever I pray about anything else, things go terribly terribly wrong. I used to pray to have a good day at work, whenever I did that I'd have a horribly bad day, more so than I'd ever had at work. I used to pray whenever I heard sirens or see an ambulance, but I quit doing that because each time I did, I'd see the next day in the news paper that the person died. Whenever I pray the consequences are horribly bad, that's why I dont like to pray much. My love told me that maybe it's because Satan is interveining. Making it so that I wont pray anymore, because I'm that important to God. Now, my love told me this before I told him I had wanted to be a missionary for my whole life. Are they related? Am I really meant to do great things? I suppose only time will tell. Maybe it's all consequence. Maybe it's divine (or not so divine) interventions.

Now, I dont know what I'm going to do. I'm taking a few days for myself to figure out my life for the next..forever. I need to think about my relationship with my love, a future family, and much more. Let me know what you think.

What the?!

2006-09-10T21:52:00.000-07:00

My appologies to anyone trying to navigate my blog... for some reason it's taking an unexpected holiday. I will try to have it up and functional again as soon as time is willing.

--update--
so.. as soon as i posted this one, it started to work fine.. let me know if my blog looks wonky to you! (or you could comment if it looks nice, fun, etc etc..hee hee)

Independence

2006-09-07T16:56:00.000-07:00

I think I have a problem with Love. Or maybe thats not the right way to think of it. I have a problem with how I act when I'm supposed to be in love. For many many years I have never had a boyfriend, or anything even close. No boy ever whispered sweet nothings to me in Junior High, and I didnt get little pecks of kisses in elementary school. I've been totally independent all these years, however wanting to be dependent. The one thing I always wanted when I was younger was a boy to like me, heck, he didnt even have to date me. All I wanted was the confirmation that a male human being liked me for who I am. I suppose you could say that I was self concious, and I needed this reassurance. Thats exactly what it was.

When I finally left high school (still without even a kiss!) found a great group of friends. These friends (whom I still have lovingly to this day) where more than just normal "lets go for coffee sometime" friends. They cared, and they loved me. When we all got dressed up to go out for the night, I would get compliments on what I wore. They would tell me I was beautiful. For some reason it felt totally different comming from them than any other person. Probably because they didnt have to say it. I had a best friend for years and years through Junior High and High School, and she never told me that I even looked good, let alone beautiful. I felt like a goddess being with them. When I felt like a goddess, I think thats when I started to change. My attitude changed completely. I became more outgoing, and self confidant. When I was younger, I was afraid to join a new group without someone there I already knew. I was afraid that no one would talk to me. But now that I had these friends, I could do anything! I started working at a local store and soon I was friends with a majority of the staff. I felt great. I was confident in myself (looks, personality and otherwise) and I had a group of friends that would always be there for me. I didnt need a man or anyone else outside of this to make myself happy. I finally realized that I could my myself happy.

Sounds pretty good doesnt it? Well let me tell you, it feels great. Of course that was exactly the time that I wasnt looking for anyone else to make my life happier. Thats also exactly when someone found me. Let me tell you, love hit me like a ton of bricks. One minute you're gaily walking down the street, and the next minute paramedics are peeling you off the pavement because a piano landed on your head. Thats exactly how it happened. Now this sounds all fine and dandy, love has been great to me.. no.. it's been awesome to me. However, now I find myself stuck. My mind is confused. I want to be able to depend and trust my love. Then again, that's exactly the opposite of who and what I am. I dont need anybody, and I want to do things on my own. It's a strange feeling. One minute I'm begging him to be near me, and the next I'm pushing him away like a 2 year old pushes away their mother because they're a "big kid now". I dont know how to trust and depend on him, especially when I've never done it before, nobody's been there except for when life is really bad. I also dont know how to give up my independence, or even if I have to. It's a strange thing that I have to work out in my head. It's large enough that my brain hasnt even begun to wrap itself around it yet. I dont know where dependence ends, and independence starts in a relationship. The only thing I ever know for sure, is that I love him dearly with all my heart, and that will never ever change. I know I'll get this figured out. Eventually.

Finally let me bring up another topic. Can some of you define "best friend" for me? I think I've been tugged around for many years about what best friends are. I think I've been jipped. Tell me about what you like best about your best friend. Thanks.

Crickey!

2006-09-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

I dont know how many of you liked Steve Irwin, but I did. His death for some reason is very sad for me, even though I didnt neccesarily watch his show. You could tell that he had a kind spirit and he loved what he did. Rest In Peace Steve Irwin.

Sing of your love

2006-09-04T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today, even though it was crazy busy at work, and I had a massive headache most of the day (stress going bye bye?), I was calm inside. Something that doesnt normally happen when the store is crazy. I think the thing that made me sane today had to be a small boy who came into to the store today during a rare slow period. He was no more than five or six, and in a wheel chair. I asked him and his father if they needed anything. With a slight slur he said, "Excuthz me mith.. do you have Kingdom Hearthz two pweaze?" He was so adorable looking up at me with big round saucer eyes. I wanted to pick him up and squeeze him. I felt so happy after I checked the computer and saw that we had one. I found a spare copy on the floor and handed it to him, his eyes just gleaming with happiness.

"Look Dad!" He exclaimed, "Kingdom Hearthz Two!!" Oh did my heart just sing just then. His dad had a broad smile also and nodded. I dont know why but that little boy made my day. Funny how someone so tiny and fragile can turn my mood totally around. I used to be like that all the time. Before I moved out, before I grew up. I used to go to church every Sunday, and pray all the time. Thats why I was happy, I know that now. I was happy then because I was happy in my heart, everything was right between God and I. Now I'm not so sure. I think I'm going to try extra hard right now to be right with God. I'm going to share some lyrics with you, some that always make me happy and "springy" inside. You know, it makes me the "cheesy" kind of happy, where you think of sunshine and daisy's. Hee Hee.

I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever
-Delirious?-

Over the mountains and the sea
Your river runs with love for me
And I will open up my heart
And let the Healer set me free
I'm happy to be in the truth
And I will daily lift my hands
For I will always sing
Of when Your love came down (x2)

I could sing
I could sing of Your love forever (x8)

Oh I feel like dancing
It's foolishness I know
But when the world has seen the light
They will dance with joy like we're dancing now (x2)

I could sing of Your love forever (x4)

Okay, so this is a really long song, but I love it!

--Update--
Okay, I start school tomorrow (well orientation really..) and I'm soo nervous! I havnt been to school in SUCH a long time. I hope I'm ready. I hope this is what I want.

Homeless

2006-08-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

Here's just a quick note to say that I might not be posting quite regularly for the next little while. First off I'm in the middle of moving. My lease for my apartment is up at the end of this month and I decided not to resign with my current room mate (because she's messy) so I now find myself looking for an apartment for my love and I. Now as some of you may know there are no apartments available in this stupid city, or if they are, the rent is close to $2000 for a one bedroom. So my love and I are now looking at my parents place for now. Also I start school soon and I'll be working as many hours as I can get over the next little bit(incase I have to afford a 2 grand apartment!), so my computer time will be limited. Please leave me notes because I'll be online long enough to reply, just not long enough to post.

Tried Tested and True

2006-08-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

The other day I was working in the store, and it was a warm sun-shiny afternoon. The store was empty and I was wandering around putting video games back on the shelves when the phone rang. My co-worker was in the back busy so I grabbed the cordless and answered it.
"Thank you for calling EB Games, where you can trade-and-save! Duckie speaking" I announced into the phone. I was having a good day so I think I was smiling when I answered so I probably sounded too giddy to the customer.

A male voice answered "Hi..uh.. I have a problem. I bought a game a week ago.. and..it doesnt work!" At the end he sounded very defiant and angry. When customers sound like that on the phone you know it's not going to be a fun phone call.

"Okay, did you buy a new or a used game from us?" I asked (as professional as I could).

"Apparently it's a new game, but I hardly got to play and now it just freezes! I want my money back!" he replied exhaustedly.

"Okay, well since it's only been a week, bring back the game with your reciept and we'll find you another copy" I said while tapping my fingers on the counter, I knew this wouldnt satisfy him. If it was that easy he would have brought it in already. He's gonna drop the bomb.

"Well, I lost the reciept" He replied. Oh great. I know this type of character, he thinks that it's the store's fault that the game doesnt work and that he lost his reciept.

"Well then I'm sorry sir, but we cant find you a replacement without the reciept." I say as sweetly as I can. Sometimes people buckle if you sound as honest and sincere as possible. Which I am. Sometimes they feel bad for raising their voice. But not this guy, nope.

"So you guys sold me a crap game and now you're not going to replace it for me?! What kind of bull is this?" oh boy.. now he's raising his voice.. why did I have to answer the phone?

"Im sorry sir, but we need proof that the game was sold by EB Games and on what day, since.."

"So you cant help me then? Isnt that you're responsibility to replace items that are defective?" oh boy.. he cut me off. It's one thing to get exasperated on the phone because maybe you dont understand. But to be rude to me on the phone? Yes, I realize that my job is customer service, but I deserve respect too.

"Sir, you are absolutely correct. It is in our store policy to replace defective merchandise. It IS my responsibility. However sir, it is YOUR responsibility as an adult and a customer to keep the reciept. Without it I cannot help you." I raised my voice at the end a little. I think the way I stated it demanded a little respect. If this guy had been talking to anyone else, in any other industry he would have had his ears boxed in by now.

"Well.. Can I speak to your manager then?" his voice was a wee bit flat. I think he feels defeated. I find that customers ask for the manager as a last stab to scare the associate. Oh no, I'm quaking.

"I'm sorry sir, she's not in until monday"
Click
It's not uncommon for customers to hang up on us. Maybe they just see us as little robotic people with no feelings? I think it's funny that customers feel like they can walk all over associates as if it's our fault for their own problems. The next time a customer accuses me of selling them a game that I wrecked, I'll just reply, "Why yes! I went into the back room and kicked your game around like a soccer ball, then I decided that the microwave was calling it. It made pretty pretty colors in the microwave! ooo the sparks!! so pretty! Then I just plum forgot I had done all that then sold it to you! My mistake. Oh! And here's a baseball bat for you to beat me with"
In all honesty I have no sympathy for customers who have lost reciepts or bring things back after the two weeks their allowed. The only time I do is if it was beyond their control. For instance today I had a gentleman come in and he returned his Playstation 2. He had bought his PS2 in june and had bought a one year warranty so it was no problem to get him another. But then he had a question. He asked if he could keep his one year warranty for his new PS2. (Normally when you have a one year warranty you can only use it once then you have to buy another one for the new product) I told him no, it was store policy that after the initial two weeks he's "using" the warranty so it was unusable again. He looked quite upset and said,
"But.. well I suppose that makes alot of sense, keeps people from abusing it. I was just wondering because it quit working the day after I got it. It's just that.. I was out working and I didnt really have access to phones where I was, or else I would have brought it in the next day" he sighed and grabbed his wallet to pay for the warranty again.

"you know what? since you had no way to bring it in because you were working out of the city, I'll give you the warranty for free. You just have to promise me that if it happens again you'll at least call the store so we can arrange something" I smiled.

"wha? really?!" he beamed the biggest smile ever. He made my day, and probably thanked me a million times. Just goes to show, that if you're nice to me, I'm nice to you. Try to ruin my day, well.. you know how it goes. I think it's an un-written rule of the service industry, that if a customer is rude, we try to do as little as possible for them. If they're kind and understanding.. well that's how you get places! Tried tested and true!

Let God

2006-08-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

Okay so I just wrote this hugely long email that was very emotional, and hey, I was quite proud of it, I got alot said and my point across so clearly. Then It happened. By "it" I mean that our internet brower decided to go "bloop....not responding.. send error report?" No Dammit! I want my post back! grrr... okay, so since I'm lazy and frustrated I'm just going to sum up my post. Basically I wrote that our vacation came in due time because I was going stir crazy constantly. I hated being at home. I hated being at work. All I wanted to do was unleash the frustration in a mad rampage of pummeling. Everything and anything made me more frustrated than I could stand. Even the smallest things made me want to snap. It made me so made I felt sick. Even when Dan went out and bought all of our camping supplies I wasnt happy with anything he bought. The tent was waaay too small. The cooler looked like it would fit two small milk jugs and maybe and ice pack. Not suitable enough for a whole week of camping. The pots and pans werent big enough. It all boiled down to nothing being good enough. I was crabby and sad and all I wanted to do was sleep. So I did. For the majority of the camping trip I think I slept more than anything else. It was explained to me that I slept so much because finally my brain could take a break. It could relax, there was no need to hold up a barrier anymore. I felt safe, and guarded by ones I loved. So after a few days of lounging and sleeping and doing absolutely nothing, (Which unfortunately I've become accustomed too) my love and I decided to go to a city near by to do a mini getaway from our getaway. While driving I was flipping through my CD's and found the first CD I had ever burnt. Thinking that it would be cool to show him what I listened to how ever many years ago, I popped it in his car stereo. I flipped through a couple of songs, and finally came to some christian songs. One song in particular, I could sing of your love forever did me in. I started to bawl my eyes out. The poor guy didnt know what was wrong with me. But I knew what was.. I hadnt listened to this music, really listened in years. This song.. how could I have not listenend to it in years? This whole song changed and shaped my life when I was younger. It's the reason why I am the way I am. I became a Christian with the help of this song, (and God of course). So there I was sitting there bawling my eyes out, and it felt wonderful. Instead of feeling the normal irritation building and blinding me, it lifted up and poured itself out of me. I then thought of my favourite set of verses from the Bible... all of a sudden life makes sense again..

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:25-34

Well that's it. Thats everything summed up. Even now I'm still having a hard time letting go. Let God. But oh, it's hard sometimes. About half an hour ago I just got back from coffee with a dear friend. She said that if I got a job near her it wouldnt be a problem for her to drive me to and from work. But I hate the idea of it, I crave independence. Now though.. for me to just sit back and let God help me? I'm going to have trouble with this I know it. But I know I'll be okay. I know we'll all be okay if we just Let God. Whew.. thats about all I have for now. Thank you all who have been avid readers. It's been a great pleasure to talk to all of you, and have your support and prayers.

Vacation Time

2006-07-27T20:11:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to be gone for about the next two and a half weeks. My love and I are leaving for a local campground that my mother runs tomorrow morning and we'll be camping for close to a week, then we'll be heading out to Saskatchewan. First on our list is seeing his Grandparents for their wedding anniversary, then going to see my family on my dads side, and my Grandparents on my mothers side for the remainder of the week. I still love love love comments though, and I hope to be back up and posting (probably with pictures) right after we get back. Love you all, and you're all in my prayers.

Final Resting Spot

2006-07-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day worth writing about. I was working manning the front counter when a slightly disheviled young lady wanders in head down, face red, looking like she's going to start bawling any moment.
"Justina! Whats wrong? Are you okay?" I calmly say to her as she nears the counter. She's my best friend and obviously something isnt right.
"Do you know what day today is?" she asked as she lifted her head, obviously trying to keep back tears.
"uhhh.." Now I feel like an idiot because it must be a big deal, and I dont know whats up.
"it's the twenty-third.. his birthday..." she sniffed and hung her head..
Itstantly it struck me..it was her uncles birthday. Or rather it would have been if he was still alive. He died three years ago in a car accident. It was in the news, it was pretty big.
"oooohh" I reply, I'm not sure what to say to console her. This is a pretty big deal and I'm horrible at consoling people despite popular belief.
"Do you want to come with me tonight when you're done work?"
"Of course" I reply
"Okay then, I'll go buy flowers now and I'll pick you up when you're done" she says as she drags her feet across the grey carpet of the store towards the front door.
"Hang in there" I call after her as she leaves.. I dont think she heard me though.
Last year on his birthday we took a little drive in the country side, down a couple of winding gravel roads with impecable scenery. I felt like I was in the European countryside. Earlier in the week we went to a flower shop and bought a bouquet of fake flowers for his grave. Roses, his favourite. We didnt stay at the gravesite long, I dont think she could stay long. We cleaned off his headstone then studied a few near by ones then left. Yesterday, her mom was with us too. We all climbed out of the vehicles with various flowers and headed down to the grave. It was covered in roses, it was beautiful. But something made a lump rise in my throat. Something that really hit my heart. As we bent down over the grave, best friends mom picked up a bouquet of roses that were already there, and exclaimed, "oh look! these are still here!" yup, they were. The roses we put up last summer. The exact same day, almost to the hour, a year ago. I figured that wind, rain and snow wouldve taken it's toll and they'd either be dust or scattered across the countryside. There was also wild raspberry growing across the headstone. His favourite fruit.

There is something about graveyards that are amazingly peaceful to me. Best friend said that well.. "they are all at they're final resting spot". Yup, they sure are. I think I could spend hours in a graveyard. Reading headstones and feeling at peace. I think as morbid as it sounds it forces me to connect with God. Lately I've been having anxiety attacks about my future. Mostly about dying, and I think that finally thats behind me. I know what I need to do. Worship God and put my trust in him. The rest is ensured.

He Got It Right

2006-07-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

Okay now, here is something that Scott Adams has right in his latest post. In case you dont know who Scott Adams is, he's the mastermind behind the Dilbert comic strip. I totally recommend having him on your blogroll. Ciao.
Ps: I LOVE comments.. :D

Why?

2006-07-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning just after ten thirty am, I'm at the store doing my "opening duties" .. you know, starting the cash registers, etc etc so the store can run for another day. The store is dark because the gates are pulled down over the windows and soft music is playing in the back room on the radio. All in all I felt calm, almost like I could cuddle in the corner beside our back stock of video games. This is the part of the day I love the most. I dont have to deal with customers, or anyone for that matter. I walked around the store tending to my duties, kind of in my own daze when a loud "BAM BAM BAM" on the front door shook me from my calm morning. I wheeled around and saw two young boys. One to be about eight or nine with red-brown hair and one about six with big eyes and dark brown hair. Incase they didnt see that I was staring at them and walking towards the door they decided to rap on the door again... "BAM BAM BAM!" while jumping up and down. I dont suppose they noticed the open sign was off, the store was dark, and the gates where closed..hmm.. I look at my watch.. 10:56am.. close enough to 11am I thought.. may as well let them in. As I unlock the door they rush past me and grab ahold of our "interactives" (a gamecube, ps2, and 360 that we have set up for you to try) and mash many many buttons, see that the screen is turned off on the tv, then begin to mash the tv buttons. "oh great.." I thought.. "what a way to start off the day"... after I turned on the interactives for the wee little tyrants the large tyrant entered the store. She stormed up to the front counter while I was still rolling up the gates, slammed down her bag and started tapping her foot. I rushed over to her and put on my "happy happy" face and asked her what I could do for her.
"I want to return this PSP game" she said.. while glaring, like I couldnt tell what she wanted.
"I'm sorry, but the seal on the game is broken, so I cant return in, but we can do a trade if you like so you still get some value out of the game." I say as sweetly as I can. I know what to do with these customers, even if you're giving them bad news, try to turn it around so it somehow benefits them. That way they leave happy, and wont show a grumpy face around here again.
"What do you mean you wont return it?! My stupid son never played it because he was an idiot and bought this M rated game from your store only yesterday!" She almost started to shreak at the end of her sentence and her face was turning an odd shade of pink.
"I'm sorry ma'am it's store policy, but I will trade it in for you, your value would be.. nine dollars.. with that there are alot of childrens games and used games that are cheap this summer" I say as sweetly as I can.. my patience runs thin with these customers. I try to keep my head down as well. I think her eyes are about to turn red and tear me to shreds with laser beams.
"EX-CUSE ME?!!" there we go.. now she's shreaking.. "We paid $31 for this game only yesterday!" She then leaned on the counter and rubber her temples.
"I'm sorry ma'am.. generally the games we take in are takin' in for about one third of what we sell them for" I say.. hopefully she's one of the few who understands..
"Thats a rip-off!! I want the $31 value! Why should they take it in for so low?!" she pulls her hands to her sides and stomps her foot. Then whips around yells at her kids to be quiet (she used ...no so nice words) so she can "deal" with me.
"Well actually ma'am it would be silly of this company to give you that much for the game because then they wouldnt make anything when they sell it. They have to set an equilibrium because every customer wants a high trade-in value for their games, and they want to buy used games for very cheap" I think I said the last part really really fast so that she wouldnt have time to cut me off.
"Damien! Damien come here right now you little runt!" she turned around and shouted at the oldest of the two boys.
"You only have $9 to spend on a game, so go pick one, and hurry up! I have more important things to do you know!" She then tried to push the boy away
"what?! only $9? but mom.." we whined and stomped.. funny.. looked kind of like his mother a moment ago..
"Quit throwing a temper tantrum Damien! If you wern't such a stupid idiot to buy an M rated game we wouldnt have to deal with this bull!" She then hurried off and squabbled with her children until they picked out a game and finished their trade.

This incident had me thinking really hard about my mom, my loves mom, and what kind of mom I will be one day. I dont think I could ever yell at any child and call them a "stupid idiot". But then again I never know what the future holds for me. I dont even know if I want to give birth to children. I am very much up for adoption. I know that thinking about children is silly because I wont have to seriously think about it for a few more years. But sometimes I get a mini anxiety attack and I wonder about the future. My dad called me "inquisitive" I have to know everything. I'm sure I annoy the heck out many people because I constantly ask "why?". But now I challenge you.. ask "why?" Sometimes you'll get surprising answers. As for this mother, maybe I'll never know "why" she mothers the way she does. But maybe it'll open up answers for me in the future.

Thank you all for your comments! I have a few new links in my sidebar. The newest one is a "hug meter". You can click on the link to give me a "hug" or you can put the link in your own blog!! A thanks to my sister for that one.
Lovies and God Bless

I've Got Issues

2006-07-03T22:51:00.000-07:00

I've tried to write this post a milliion times! I know what I have in my head, but it just wont type out nicely. Basically.. what I'm trying to say is that I think I have an alcohol problem. My friends always used to bug me about it. You know every once in a while after a long day at work I'd come home and pop open a cooler. It relaxes me. Nothing is more soothing, more appetizing, or more forgiving than the sweet sweet buzz of alcohol. Now dont get me wrong.. I dont drink everyday, and each time I drink I dont get drunk. I crave just the first few sips.. the ones that make you want to float on a bed of clouds. Of course I figured that if i wasnt getting drunk, then I didnt have a problem. Honestly.. how many times have you seen on TV the men who come home from work, and plop in front of the television and crack open a beer? Seemed normal to me. That is, until a few days ago. I was having a rough day, my love and I were on the verge of calling it quits forever, and I was devastated. While he was gone away at work, all I could do was sit around my apartment. My insides where boiling, and my brain was going into overload. I needed something to stop the crying, and the pain. The craving started deep in my brain, like fingers slowly spreading and kneading my brain. I needed something...anything. I grabbed a cooler that I always seem to have handy and downed it in about a minute. I sat at my computer awaiting the soft tides to wash over me and take me to better places. No such luck. "Well" I thought.."maybe because I'm upset I need more for it to affect me" So down went drink number two and three. Finally!! A buzz. My mind jumped all over, I frantically searched for inner peace. I found it. My brain wheeled like an old picture movie in black and white. Images of me and my friends over a year ago jumped out at me. We were at a friends place enjoying a few drinks, being kids. Another picture poped up.. my best friend and I giggling on the "party bus" after the bar on the way home, talking about pizza and what a great night we had. "Thats it!!" I thought.."If I just have one more drink, I'll be in my prime happy mode!" Well.. I'm sure you know where this is going. One more turned into three more. Sure I've used alcohol to make me feel better, but I've never gotten as far as getting drunk to make the pain go away. It scares me to death to think of where my life could lead if I let something stupid like that take me. Never again am I drinking to make the pain subside. Deep down I feel like a coward. Lord, give me the strength to fight what lies inside. Please let it not turn into an addiction!

The past week has felt like a giant weight. Im constantly irritated or upset. I've almost broken up with my love, found out what happened to my sister, drank like crazy, and much much more. I just hope that I dont let anything get the better of me. I feel like a fish out of water somedays, and others I feel complete. I just hope I dont unleash the beast that lies dormant inside.

Kerfuffled

2006-06-27T14:59:00.000-07:00

I just noticed today on my loves laptop that my blog looks a little screwy. My blog is supposed to be in the middle with my profile, most visited links etc on the right. If it doesnt look like this let me know! Also let me know what web browser you're using. Thanks!

Be Aware

2006-06-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

I have a word of caution, one that I'm sure you have all heard before. Becareful walking alone at night! Sometimes scary things lurk in the night. I can attest to that! Well actually my sister can.

This past weekend was my best friends 21st birthday party. So to uphold tradition we went to a local club and danced the night away. Part way through the night my little sis decided that she needed to go home. Normally thats not a problem, we have all walked home from the bar at one point or another. In this little city, we figured it was harmless. Apparently not! About a block and a half away from us some guy started following her and stole her purse! (Which had my earrings and house keys in them!) Then about a block later another guy attacked her!! She's okay.. no bruises or cuts, just broken glasses. Bastards! She's so little and innocent. It drives me wild to even think that anyone would try to hurt her. It's been driving me wild for the past few days, how could I let her go? I told her I would walk with her. Heck, I shoulda at least gave her cab money. I feel like a real ding-a-ling. So just so you all know, be careful. Always be aware of your surroundings please!

In other news.. I have a Google search and an Ad on my page, apparently I make money or something from them if you click on them. Probably like one penny a time or something miniscule like that. Ha ha.

Fate

2006-06-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

What is fate?
Well, as this site put it:
(n)
1a. The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.
1b.. The inevitable events predestined by this force.

2. A final result or consequence; an outcome.

Or as a user of Urban Dictionary put it:
1) An unseeable force that controls all our actions; often linked to god(s) and predecision.
2) The end of your life, or your "purpose" in life.

Now, I believe in fate. (Is it something you can believe in?) I believe that every little thing that happens, is done for a reason, an ultimate ending or purpose. I'm not sure if all Christians believe in this or not. But I certainly do. Then again maybe I'm finding any reason possible to say that my love was destined to be mine. Maybe I believe more in hope, and fate than anything else. I think it's what drives me from day to day, and keeps me from going insane. Just the thought that hey.. maybe what I'm doing right now, might mean that I'm changing my stars. Or mabye someone else's stars. It's a very humbling yet motivating thought.

Now it's story time.. I first talked to my love without actually seeing him just over a year ago. He found my profile on a website that we were both signed up on (that I only went to once then never logged in again--oh how many times have I dont that?!) and decided to search me in google. From there he found a blog that I had commented on and had found my email address from that blog. (I had my very own stalker! cool eh?) From there he emailed me, and added me to his MSN Messenger. We talked off and on for a while and we decided that one day whenever he came into the city, that he would stop by my work and say hi. Well two days after deciding that he did drop by. (I never actually thought he would!) It was awkward, and not at all romantic. I stuttered..he stuttered.. and I tried as hard as I could to get outta there ASAP. After that we talked occaisionally on msn and decided that next time we would have topic cards to get the convo rolling. haha. Last October we met again for coffee at a local Tim Hortons (mmm!) from then on we saw each other occaisionally for coffee.. mostly he stopped by my store to say hi before he had to work. At Christmastime we had our first real "date".. we saw King Kong. By new years eve we both knew we wanted to be with each other. From then on we've been together.

Now if you think about it, none of it seems to be done in by fate at all! But if you think about it.. if I didnt set up a profile at that one site.. if I didnt comment at that one blog... we just would have passed each other by in the street without a second thought. I cant thank the Lord (or fate) enough though for bringing him into my life. Without him I'd surely be an alcoholic by now, and I would be going down a dark and miserable path. Maybe, just maybe it was fate who put us together just to straighten out my life. Who knows? Think about your own life and how many miracles you have witnessed. Laughter, Birth, Love.. second chances.. I think it was all fate. Even Death. Let me know what you think!

Fathers Day

2006-06-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

Well I think this is the first fathers days in my entire life that I havnt spent with my entire family. Not only does it make me sad, it makes me realize just how much I'm growing up. Soon all I'm going to be is one of those daughters who visits once a year and calls twice a year. I hope not!

This picture is of my Dad and little brother back in about '92 just outside of Banff, Ab. My mom took the picture, isnt she great at taking pictures? Well my dad has aged alot since then, and many ups and downs have come his way. But I must say that my dad is my biggest hero, he showed me what it's like to live a hard yet good life, and I love him for that. He taught me so much, that Im sure he's not even aware of. So This is just a note for all of you to remember to honor thy father. Lovies

WOW

2006-06-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

For those of you who dont know, I work in a widely-known gaming store called EB (Electronics Boutique) Games. It's a great little store, and on nice warm sunny days in the summer we get little to no traffic. (I guess that means that people still prefer to be outside than inside playing video games.. humanity 1 point!) The main part of our traffic is the "regulars". You know.. the gamer junkies who gotta have the new realeases even though everything that comes out during the summer months is crap crap crap. Well.. yesterday I had a man come literally running into the store, right up to the front and slams his hands down on our bright yellow counter top.

"Got..*wheeze wheeze* any...*huff..* game ..cards..?" he tossed his head from side to side scanning the store looking for the stash of ever so valuable game cards.

"Why yes I do! Which game card did you need, and how many?" I reply rather sweetly. Inside I was laughing my head off. I see these guys all the time, they come rushing into the store for their game cards because theirs just ran out, and lord knows they cant live without first having another online raid.

"I need uh..one for wow..uh.. World of Warcraft.." his eyes narrowed... taking me in.. It's this point that I know what he's thinking.. "hmm.. does she even know what I'm talking about?" Because you see in this gaming world, it must be an oddity to see a real girl knowing what the name of a game is.

"Okay! Here you go! ... That comes to..$40.65 please!... so.. what server are you on in wow?" I knew that this one little question would blow this mans world to little bits. (In case you dont know "wow" is the short term for the massively multiplayer online (mmo) game called World of Warcraft.

I smiled a broad smile as his jaw drops for the floor.
"uhh.. I play.. on.. bloodscalp" he scratches his head..then decides that he has a brilliant idea..to see how much this girl really knows about the game.
"so..there.. what server are you on?" he asks me as he narrows his eyes again.. he doesnt expect me to play?! of course I do!

"Well, actually, I have two characters on Bloodscalp, I have an Undead Mage thats level 11, and
a Troll Warrior thats only Level 4 or so.. Then on Whisperwind I have a level 11 Elf and a low level human warlock.. do you only have one character?"

"uhh.. yeah, I only have one character.. you have four really? I didnt know you could make more than one.." he looks down at the floor defeated, a girl surpased him at a game i'm sure he thought he knew lots about. This is where I decide to save him just a little.

"I know that you can have more than one character.. but I'm not sure how to do it.. whenever I dont know something my boyfriend does it for me.." I say with a sheepish smile. I'm outright lying, I know how to make more characters..in fact it's the easiest thing on the planet.

"Well I'm sure I could figure it out like nothing, well I'll see you in two months for another card" he says as he takes his receipt and leaves the store. I like surprising people, and I suppose if you're a girl this is the store to do it in!

If you play wow, leave me a comment! :D

Promise Me This...

2006-05-31T22:09:00.000-07:00

Today is one of the most exciting days of my life!! Today was my five month anniversary with Daniel! It was awesome! At midnight he gave me a promise ring!! :D Then we went out for a late-night supper. I dont have the ring now though, because it has to be sent away to be sized..but it's soo pretty! ^_^ I love him so much! <3

I feel like I'm on clouds. The whole world is perfect. How is it possible to love another person so much? I must be crazy!! *sigh* I'm just waiting for him to get off work now.. I hope it's soon.. I miss him so much!!

In other news: I went to see my advisor for school today to get registered for my fall classes. It's official, I'm doing the cool school thang. It's hard to believe that four years of classes classes classes I'll be a Paleontologist!
My school Calendar says:
Paleontology draws on biological and geological knowledge to study the evolutionary history of life. Paleontologists usually work as research scientists and/or teachers in universities, museums and in government and industrial laboratories.
Basically I want to study fossils and such. Dinosaurs in particular. I've had a fascination with them since I learned about them in grade two. Ironically enough.. my favourite movie is Jurassic Park. It's going to be hard though. My first year has one Math class (I'm very very bad at math) and a stats class.. which is too close to actual math to my liking. My schedule though is kinda like this:
FALL TERM:
Chemistry 101 -intro to university chemistry
Biology 107- intro to cell biology
Earth Sciences 101-intro to physical earth science
Math 120- Linear Algebra (ahhh!!)
English 101- critical reading and writing (duh)

WINTER TERM:
Chemistry 102- intro to chem II
Biology 108- Organisms in their environment
Earth Sciences 103- Earth and life through time
Statistics 151- intro to applied stats (insert groan here)
English 101-same as above

I know anyone who reads this wont really care what my schedule is.. but it's nice to pretend that people actually care. I really hope I do well.. In high school my favourite class was Biology, and there are alot of science classes (duh!) , I hope and pray I can do it. Please pray for me!

Well, now Daniel is here (!!) Chow!

Serenity in a calamity filled world

2006-05-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

Today was a perfect day.. and by perfect I mean, serene, quiet.. and full of thought. Today was the first day in close to a week that mother nature hasnt blessed us with rain, and it was nice to see big ol' mister sunshine peek out of the clouds this morning. Immediately I felt like going outside and soaking up the rays, for some reason seeing the sun gives me peace. Something that I've needed this week.

Yesterday my best friend and I went to the local college and picked up student loan forms. If you've never looked through one before, be thankful, they're scary as hell. They ask for every tid-bit of information, i'm surprised they didnt ask for my blood type and fingerprints! Before looking at them I figured I had a pretty good chance at getting a loan for college, but now I'm not so sure. They needed alot of information from my parents, including alot of details from their tax return. I hope they dont take their wealth into consideration, because my parents arn't helping me one bit. I doubt I'll even see a penny from them. *sigh* I dont know what I'll do if I dont get the loan. I suppose I'd have to withdrawl from my studies. Seems hardly fair, but then again, I'm sure there are more deserving people out there who could use the cash. Maybe they'll benefit the world more than I ever could.

Today my mom drove all the way to the city (about a 40 minute drive) to pick me up and take me out to my parents place. Essentially she was bringing me to my dad so he could sign my student loan and throw in his tax #'s. And boy..seeing my dad was quite a sight. He was laying proped up on the hunter green leather couch, heating pad under his backside and a remote in his hand. But, thats not what bothered me, it was the awful pain and agony I saw on his face each time he moved. Apparently a few days ago he bent down to pick something up and threw his back out. It's scary to see someone you see as a tough figure to be brought down by intense pain. The worst part was that when he needed to fill in the tax #'s on my loan he had to tackle the basement stairs to get to the computer, of course the old man wouldnt let me find it, he had to do it. Seeing him wobble around like an old man was the saddest sight I've ever seen. To have him all of a sudden jerk upright and shout in pain was so sad I had to leave the room. I just pray that when my dad see's the doctor tonight that the doc fixes him up good.

On the way back to the city, mom let us have the top down on her convertable mustang. Her dream car. A few months ago she entered into a draw to win a mini-van, and she won! She, however only has one kid left at home, so she very well didnt need a van, so she traded it in for her dream car, a Cherry-red convertible mustang with tan-leather interior. I must say, her car is bomb. When my boss found out she flipped, she wanted a ride in it. (and so did everyone else) It's the most amazing feeling in the world to just ride in it with the top down and face up to the sky. You feel like a bird. Even with the radio blarring and driving through the city it was serene, almost like an intense quiet in the calamity and chaos of the city. heh heh.. I dont even make sense. :p

Well, I should go now, I have to clean clean clean my apartment, and try to work out my school schedule. I get to see my advisor for school tomorrow morning!! I cant wait! Wish me luck!

I'm What Culture Is All About

2006-05-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

Your Inner European is Italian!

Passionate and colorful.

You show the world what culture really is.

Who's Your Inner European?

Just Me

2006-05-15T16:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life when you feel like you're in the clutches of peril, and you begin to wonder a million things. First comes, what have I done with my life? Then when you realize that you couldve done more you feel deeply sad, however it doesnt last long because soon after the next thought rattles your bones more. When am I supposed to die? Is it now? Next week? Perhaps when you're 78, or three years from now walking down the street. Which brings you back to thought one, what have you done? Well I've had one of these moments just this morning, and it's had me thinking all day. Let me recap.. I was blissfully walking around on diamond white clouds in a warm wonderful imaginative world away from everything when a dull pain started slowly emminating from the right side of my chest. My diamond white clouds started to pale and turn grey as I bent over in pain. I woke up with a start and clutched my chest feeling the throbbing of the pain overtake all of my immediate thoughts. I tried to take a deep breath. Bad idea. The slow emminating pain turned into lightning bolts. Several bounced around my rip cage and one bounced up off of my collar bone and down into my right forearm.

"Okay" I thought, "I just wont breathe! Oh, crap thats not gonna work" Frantically I start flailing in bed (now I know how fish feel like when they're caught and left bouncing around the dock). My left hand flies around frantically and finally hits it's target, waking it up with a start.

"Babe" I croak, "I Cant..ow!" He leans over me looking at me with his baby blues and red hair. He holds me till the pain subsides some 5 or so minutes later.. very very long minutes. Now I'm not sure what it was, all I know is that it's happened a few other times in my life, all of a sudden I'm doubled over in pain for about 5 minutes then it just gone. Like it never habbited your innards at all. So now I've been wondering about life. (Hey I have the day off from work with nothing to do!) So here I am writing it all down.

I like to think that I had the perfect childhood, happy times, sad times, you know.. the usual. Sadly that sounds so average. I hate being considered average. All my life thats what I wanted to be, and now thats all I dont want to be. Growing up you're givin' this false sense of what life is about, and now I know better. Too bad I didnt know about that ten years ago. Who knew people would still love me even though I didnt look perfect? Who knew I'd still have awesome friends even though I liked different clothes? Damn life is retarted. Well this is a neverending story of my life, and of me. No lies, no stories, no imbelishing, Just Me!